Photo Unrelated

Depression has been on my mind a lot lately. It's not just because I've been wallowing in it for so long, though that certainly plays a part in considering the subject itself. Today, in particular, I was dwelling on it while trying to get through a rather insipid day of work. A friend of mine called me out on never opening up, and I realized that I really don't. I have one close friend who hears more than she should have to, but even she doesn't ever get the whole story. My parents don't, either. I keep it bottled up inside, because, frankly, I'm rather ashamed of it.

When you go through so much of your life upset for no apparent reason, it gets old for you and the people around you. Sadness without cause is tiresome. It's hard even for me to understand, and I am the one stuck in the rut that is only controlled by prescription medication, and, even then, it feels like it is failing more often than not.

To put this into a little perspective, depression is like drowning. You wake up and it's a gamble on whether or not you're okay and breathing, or you're sinking and suffocating on the dark waters that have you trapped. I wake up and I'm fine, or I wake up and I want to cry. On the most extreme days, I wake up wondering what I am doing breathing in the first place. I can start the day fine and then crash and burn in a particularly bright spray of self-loathing and embarrassing "woe is me" moments that have left physical scars in the past. Yes, this sounds more bi-polar, does it not?

Here's the catch: even when I'm fine, I'm not fine. It's always there, ready to be triggered by something trivial, or ready to jump up without an invitation (okay, well, it doesn't ever have an invitation). Is there a reason for me to feel sad? Most of the time, no.

You can see, my non-existent readers, why I wouldn't want to burden anyone with something as aimless as this. I can't help it, but I still feel like it is my fault. Yes, I probably need to find therapy in addition to the anti-depressants, but I do not have that kind of disposable income. So I have to rely on friends and family to keep me afloat, and, for some reason, I hate doing that. Truthfully, I don't really feel like I'm worth it.

The cycle begins again.

I don't usually apply my life to songs, but if I had to do it at all, Ida Maria's "Oh My God" seems to be a perfect fit as of late. It is highly appropriate that it was the trailer theme for the film It's Kind of a Funny Story, which I related to far more than I'd like to admit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naQSB1Ozyds

Oh, and about the photo. Sunrises are new beginnings. Okay, so that is really a load of crap that I can't make myself write. It was pretty, that's all.