College feels like ages ago.
I have been acting as an adult for almost nine months now. I've been paying my own bills for about six of those months. Well, six months next month. It hasn't really been that long of a time, but the days of hiking around UNT and attending the classes I couldn't wait to be done with feels as if they are years in the past, rather than a few paltry months.
It hit even closer to home recently, I suppose. One of our little group, our close-knit friendship, is moving on. It's weird to think that now we can't just hang out whenever it strikes our fancy. But, this is life. This is growing up, and growing up sucks.
I can't say I regret throwing myself into the world as early on as I did. I am damn proud of myself for getting through college in four years instead of six like so many people I know. I am even prouder that I did it with honors, and then got a job a few weeks after graduation. I busted my ass to be where I am now. To some, I probably am not really far at all, but I like to think I've accomplished a great deal in the past few months.
I am twenty-two years old. I have a job, a car, and a place to live. I live 300 or so miles away from my closest family. There have been times when it has felt like hell. But do I regret the choices I have made? No, not really. I have so much else wrong in my head that there is no room for regret. In this one thing, I am sure of myself.
Lately, in spite of this attitude, life has felt fucked up.
I think I may be destined to self-destruct. There's a switch in there that is wobbling and teetering, tied to an invisible wire that something is tugging at relentlessly. I have been here before. Even in the halcyon days I was here at one time. Even if we could go back to those days, it would be the same. I have to remind myself of this as we all grow and move on with life. There is no perfection that we have ever reached or can reach. Perfection is an illusion of the rosy glasses with which we view our pasts. I am no different now.
If there was a point in any of this, I think I've lost it.
I know the feeling. In the past months it's been easier to forget what a hellhole college really was as far as stress and exhaustion and mental wear-and-tear... but sometimes it's hard not to miss those days. They really were so much more carefree... I miss 12 hour Den-O marathons and going to IHOP at 3 AM and coming up with story ideas while complaining about the drunks and drinking horrible coffee.
ReplyDeleteBut it's okay. We have good times now... and we'll have good times in the future. Even if our ginger bitch is moving far away, we'll harrass him to come visit. And we'll always be friends.
The fact that life feels fucked up isn't your fault, and I know you know that better than I do. I'm glad that you believe you've made the right choice, though. As long as you have that confidence, you'll be okay. This crappy job will pass (at least it's not Sears!), and someday you'll get to do what you want to do.
And hey, I'll always be your friend, right there ready to encourage you on whatever path you take.